A wise older woman once said to me, “Remember that for the man the workday is a sprint and for the woman it’s a marathon.” These simple words of wisdom changed my mindset from a nagging, resentful wife & mother who kept score to a more understanding woman able to give grace & request help kindly rather than demand it.
I love this!’ I’m going to have to borrow that phrase, it is so often what I’ve thought that it’s just not the same pace but so often can be a totally fair “trade.”
Love it. "There’s no reason this can’t extend to housework, too."
I do my best to have the house decent or cleaned by the time my husband is home. Sometimes that means hurriedly grabbing things off the floor once I receive the "headed home" text. Sometimes it just doesn't happen - on those days I generally apologize and my husband is understanding. No he doesn't expect it of me, but I do. Why? If I was the one going out to work and provide for my family, what type of home would I want to come home to?
Growing through motherhood, wifery, and homemaking, I have come to find the things that bring me joy. The top of my list is the look in my husband's eyes when he comes home and smells dinner cooking. I'd die a million times over for that.
Additionally, once my husband is home and the house becomes a mess - because that's always accuring, right?! - he happily helps clean up. One day I thanked him for cleaning our daughters toys and this and that mess. He was shocked that I even noticed. That little bit of appreciation from me is equivalent to the look in his eyes when he comes home to dinner.
We are told in 1 Corinthians to respect our husbands, and they are to love their wives. We have different needs from each other. We experience joy and difficulty differently than our husbands. We have different weights on our shoulders. Living tit-for-tat has been the worst part of our marriage. But embracing our difference and communicating our struggles has made it easier for us to embrace our roles as husband/wife, father/mother, breadwinner/homemaker. It's easier for us when we try to find the joy in our duties.
This last paragraph ♥️😮💨 Yes!! It’s a matter of defaulting to resistance or acceptance of our dearest loved ones. Acceptance is so much easier at the end of the day, even if it takes work!
I request help, but I have learned not to nag because it makes us both miserable. Shockingly if I do everything with gratitude and love in my heart everything is much easier. I try to manage on my own unless I’m sick or if I know my husband enjoys that task, like putting up shelves or building something; he finds that rewarding (and I’m scared of the power drill). In those cases when I ask I know it will get done when he has the time to but he needs to relax after work, and I enjoy facilitating that with a clean home, baked goods, and anything else that he needs.
A lot of the problem is how being a homemaker is presented, and I think the rarity of homemakers and the normalisation of women working 9/5 has made it hard for women to break the bad habit of thinking that anything after 5pm is fun time, so anything unpleasant should be done together to make it less miserable.
Homemaking isn’t a job though, it’s an honour and incredibly fun. Sure some things are less enjoyable than others. If you’re lucky enough to be able to serve your family every day without the distraction of a commute and 9/5? You’re so blessed.
This is such a good point about the 5pm clock-out mentality. There are definitely a lot of benefits to being able to leave work somewhere and go home and chill. But that doesn't happen for many adults, including full time breadwinning dads who come home and need to parent! Like you said, if we do everything with the right heart it becomes less of a chore and more of something that we want to do with someone else. I strongly believe any decent man will step up and do things to help his wife if he knows she's struggling, but most human, fallen men are going to be more likely to when they feel trusted and appreciated and not like they're falling short!
As someone who has worn just about every hat you mentioned here - the sole breadwinner, the other breadwinner, the stay-at-home mom of small children, and now the housewife who's kids have grown and moved away - I can relate so much to this. I have also had, at one point or another, every attitude mentioned. Everything changed when I started seeing my role as a joy and stopped complaining and started doing my work joyfully and smiling more. I don't ask my husband to help unless something catastrophic has happened, but he often will anyways. He loves to cook, and many times he will come home (his job isn't always over at 5:00 and sometimes he's done before 5) and sit down and start chopping vegetables or meat while we talk about our day. We are a team. We each have our position, but understand that everything runs more smoothly when we work together. And now that the kids are grown, I try to make sure, aside from dinner sometimes, everything is done (or I call it quits) when he gets home so we can spend the evening together. Life is better when you're pleasant. And on the days that I KNOW have been incredibly tough at work (he also is a laborer), I make sure there is nothing for him to worry about but relaxing and being comfortable.
“No one can expect to nag their way into healthier and happier marriages.”
This really hits home for me and I think this is central to any message about marriage. I am often really concerned about the ins and outs and practical specifics of home making, etc. But when focused on that, I was unable to form beneficial habits that stuck. However, since I’ve started focusing on my heart and my biblical view of marriage, it’s been so much easier. It’s not about a task breakdown and fairness of labor. It’s about having a heart to serve your husband and your home! THIS is sustainable
Thank you so much for this. It was very convicting. I easily get overwhelmed and stressed. I unfortunately take that out on my husband. He’s a very easy going, hard to anger man. Which can be good to a certain extent because I’m the opposite so he grounds me a lot. But it’s not fair to him. There were so many points that you made that hit home.
Something I’m learning to work on is shifting my mind less on what I can gain but what our marriage can gain. When married your life focus and plan is not just about you anymore. It’s about the both of you. What is more beneficial for your marriage? Obviously it’s not going to be your husband coming home to a messy house and a frazzled wife. That doesn’t benefit anyone. Of course life happens and those days do happen but it shouldn’t be a daily occurrence.
In my opinion, when we shift our mind set on what needs done for our marriage and our family we can more easily get stuff done without dragging our feet. It’s not about look at this list of things I have to do by myself. Instead it’s about look at the list of things I get to do to help my marriage and family!
Also in my opinion, I think that applies to the man too. Sometimes for the betterment of marriage and family doing housework is necessary. When you look at marriage and family as a whole operating system rather than just you as one part. Same goes for the wife too, though. Sometimes I have to do more “manly” chores for the sake of my marriage and family.
We each have roles we have to fulfill but I think it’s important that in certain circumstances we can help each other fulfill those roles! We also have to watch though that we are fulfilling our roles the best we can so not to burden the other! If that makes any sense at all 😅
I was scrolling through your posts trying to find one that pertains to ummm ... sex postpartum? As in like my husband is really feeling left out and I’m absorbed in baby and my mind is just not there currently! You’ve been so helpful in the realm that I wondered if you’ve ever spoken on this other question of mine!? Many thanks as always, this has been such a helpful resource for me 🤗
A wise older woman once said to me, “Remember that for the man the workday is a sprint and for the woman it’s a marathon.” These simple words of wisdom changed my mindset from a nagging, resentful wife & mother who kept score to a more understanding woman able to give grace & request help kindly rather than demand it.
Thank you, Isa, for going there.
I love this!’ I’m going to have to borrow that phrase, it is so often what I’ve thought that it’s just not the same pace but so often can be a totally fair “trade.”
Love it. "There’s no reason this can’t extend to housework, too."
I do my best to have the house decent or cleaned by the time my husband is home. Sometimes that means hurriedly grabbing things off the floor once I receive the "headed home" text. Sometimes it just doesn't happen - on those days I generally apologize and my husband is understanding. No he doesn't expect it of me, but I do. Why? If I was the one going out to work and provide for my family, what type of home would I want to come home to?
Growing through motherhood, wifery, and homemaking, I have come to find the things that bring me joy. The top of my list is the look in my husband's eyes when he comes home and smells dinner cooking. I'd die a million times over for that.
Additionally, once my husband is home and the house becomes a mess - because that's always accuring, right?! - he happily helps clean up. One day I thanked him for cleaning our daughters toys and this and that mess. He was shocked that I even noticed. That little bit of appreciation from me is equivalent to the look in his eyes when he comes home to dinner.
We are told in 1 Corinthians to respect our husbands, and they are to love their wives. We have different needs from each other. We experience joy and difficulty differently than our husbands. We have different weights on our shoulders. Living tit-for-tat has been the worst part of our marriage. But embracing our difference and communicating our struggles has made it easier for us to embrace our roles as husband/wife, father/mother, breadwinner/homemaker. It's easier for us when we try to find the joy in our duties.
This last paragraph ♥️😮💨 Yes!! It’s a matter of defaulting to resistance or acceptance of our dearest loved ones. Acceptance is so much easier at the end of the day, even if it takes work!
I request help, but I have learned not to nag because it makes us both miserable. Shockingly if I do everything with gratitude and love in my heart everything is much easier. I try to manage on my own unless I’m sick or if I know my husband enjoys that task, like putting up shelves or building something; he finds that rewarding (and I’m scared of the power drill). In those cases when I ask I know it will get done when he has the time to but he needs to relax after work, and I enjoy facilitating that with a clean home, baked goods, and anything else that he needs.
A lot of the problem is how being a homemaker is presented, and I think the rarity of homemakers and the normalisation of women working 9/5 has made it hard for women to break the bad habit of thinking that anything after 5pm is fun time, so anything unpleasant should be done together to make it less miserable.
Homemaking isn’t a job though, it’s an honour and incredibly fun. Sure some things are less enjoyable than others. If you’re lucky enough to be able to serve your family every day without the distraction of a commute and 9/5? You’re so blessed.
This is such a good point about the 5pm clock-out mentality. There are definitely a lot of benefits to being able to leave work somewhere and go home and chill. But that doesn't happen for many adults, including full time breadwinning dads who come home and need to parent! Like you said, if we do everything with the right heart it becomes less of a chore and more of something that we want to do with someone else. I strongly believe any decent man will step up and do things to help his wife if he knows she's struggling, but most human, fallen men are going to be more likely to when they feel trusted and appreciated and not like they're falling short!
As someone who has worn just about every hat you mentioned here - the sole breadwinner, the other breadwinner, the stay-at-home mom of small children, and now the housewife who's kids have grown and moved away - I can relate so much to this. I have also had, at one point or another, every attitude mentioned. Everything changed when I started seeing my role as a joy and stopped complaining and started doing my work joyfully and smiling more. I don't ask my husband to help unless something catastrophic has happened, but he often will anyways. He loves to cook, and many times he will come home (his job isn't always over at 5:00 and sometimes he's done before 5) and sit down and start chopping vegetables or meat while we talk about our day. We are a team. We each have our position, but understand that everything runs more smoothly when we work together. And now that the kids are grown, I try to make sure, aside from dinner sometimes, everything is done (or I call it quits) when he gets home so we can spend the evening together. Life is better when you're pleasant. And on the days that I KNOW have been incredibly tough at work (he also is a laborer), I make sure there is nothing for him to worry about but relaxing and being comfortable.
"Life is better when you're pleasant." I could have summed this entire issue up with this sentence lol! Amen sister.
“No one can expect to nag their way into healthier and happier marriages.”
This really hits home for me and I think this is central to any message about marriage. I am often really concerned about the ins and outs and practical specifics of home making, etc. But when focused on that, I was unable to form beneficial habits that stuck. However, since I’ve started focusing on my heart and my biblical view of marriage, it’s been so much easier. It’s not about a task breakdown and fairness of labor. It’s about having a heart to serve your husband and your home! THIS is sustainable
Yes, exactly! We can handle anything life throws at us with the right attitude.
Thank you so much for this. It was very convicting. I easily get overwhelmed and stressed. I unfortunately take that out on my husband. He’s a very easy going, hard to anger man. Which can be good to a certain extent because I’m the opposite so he grounds me a lot. But it’s not fair to him. There were so many points that you made that hit home.
Something I’m learning to work on is shifting my mind less on what I can gain but what our marriage can gain. When married your life focus and plan is not just about you anymore. It’s about the both of you. What is more beneficial for your marriage? Obviously it’s not going to be your husband coming home to a messy house and a frazzled wife. That doesn’t benefit anyone. Of course life happens and those days do happen but it shouldn’t be a daily occurrence.
In my opinion, when we shift our mind set on what needs done for our marriage and our family we can more easily get stuff done without dragging our feet. It’s not about look at this list of things I have to do by myself. Instead it’s about look at the list of things I get to do to help my marriage and family!
Also in my opinion, I think that applies to the man too. Sometimes for the betterment of marriage and family doing housework is necessary. When you look at marriage and family as a whole operating system rather than just you as one part. Same goes for the wife too, though. Sometimes I have to do more “manly” chores for the sake of my marriage and family.
We each have roles we have to fulfill but I think it’s important that in certain circumstances we can help each other fulfill those roles! We also have to watch though that we are fulfilling our roles the best we can so not to burden the other! If that makes any sense at all 😅
I was scrolling through your posts trying to find one that pertains to ummm ... sex postpartum? As in like my husband is really feeling left out and I’m absorbed in baby and my mind is just not there currently! You’ve been so helpful in the realm that I wondered if you’ve ever spoken on this other question of mine!? Many thanks as always, this has been such a helpful resource for me 🤗